I absolutely loved my father and I actually put him up on a pedestal for decades. I honestly have few memories of my father as a toddler. I actually considered myself to be a daddy’s girl.I remember sitting on his lap and feeling loved by him. When my mom and dad divorced, the only thing different was my dad was gone! I didn’t know why he was “gone” all of a sudden, but he was gone. I was never told about divorce and what that meant.I thought that I had done something wrong for him to leave and I blamed myself for his absence. I don’t know why my mom didn’t explain this to me at the time because I know that when I did get into trouble that I would cry for my daddy and I was a depressed child.
He never visited or called. From a 3 year olds perspective I was very confused. When my mom dragged us to one place or another I was constantly looking for my dad. This did not stop as I aged. I think it got even worse after our first Christmas without dad. Let me explain. I was already very excited about Christmas just because my mom always made Christmas seem so magical and real, Yes I’m talking about “Santa Claus”! My mom said that she heard a knock on the door. So, our attention went to her and the door. She opened up the door and outside was a large bag of presents from my dad! I was so excited, Ohh my goodness, he hasn’t forgot about me! He still loves me! Ohhh I can’t believe how happy I am! Tears are rolling down my face now because years later my mom admitted to putting those presents out there for us…
This happened many, many a Christmas. My mom always talked bad about my dad too and that just made things worse. Mom why can’t I see my dad? I honestly can’t remember her answer, but I believed that she wasn’t letting him see us. Maybe I was a bad kid and deserved this. I think this is when I developed a bad attitude.
My dad got into religion! Now, all of a sudden I was seeing my dad every other weekend. When I hugged him, it was like time had never passed. I was in grade school. I had really grown up alot. My dad had remarried and had another child. Over some time I felt like a step-child. It was obvious that I didn’t fit in to his new family and that I was no longer daddy’s favorite little girl. I was hurt all over again. I always tried to make sure that I was loving and well behaved. I also was funny and could always manage to make my dad laugh by acting goofy.
Did you think this was going to last? Hahaha you were so wrong Holly! Of course, it didn’t last. Now, it became a money issue. You have to pay child support to see your kids. Well he would rather not see us than to pay! Things have really changed since I was a kid. You have to pay regardless now. I was a teen and talked to my dad on the phone here and there. I definitely loved him, but for now this was how I could visit.
Let me just say this, my mom did it so wrong, but as a mom I can kinda understand. She has always communicated with me horribly and that continues to this day. Nobody is perfect and I hope you take something from reading this. Unfortunately my first marriage ended in divorce and I wasn’t perfect, but I tried to make sure that their lives didn’t change that much. And what was weird is that my oldest was my age, 3.
My dad has passed away now, may he rest in peace.